Do you ever feel as if your life might be some waiting room, while you hope for something better? Do you find yourself saying things like “when I have this project / job move / divorce / illness / etc, out of the way THEN I will be happy?” Life can almost feel like it’s just about to turn a corner, and good times will then abide. It often feels so tantalisingly close that we feel as if we can almost touch it. If only it were this way. If only we really could get those barriers out of the way and allow everything around us to become just as we want it (or at least some of it!).
Those of us who yearn for a future that is an alternative to the present, often overlook the abundance of happiness and pleasure available in the here and now. Our long-sightedness, our scanning of the future horizon for the sunshine of a better future leaves us myopic in this moment. And yet, the weather here is often much better and is also offering itself to us right now.
So, here is the metaphor which might help describe this state: The Yellow-Crested Firebird. I learned of this mythical creature in an excellent book by Stephen Cope, called The Wisdom of Yoga – which is hardly about yoga at all, more the fallibilities of the human mind and how to overcome it. One of those faults is for us to cling on to ideals and longings which are buried deep in our subconscious, a set of beliefs in which we need life to be a certain way, or we cannot find happiness or fulfilment. It will have been programmed from childhood, a collection of happy memories making us feel safe and well. They may not even be real memories, but more a "felt" sense. If they are pleasant, then of course we want to experience them again. This eclectic mix of ideals becomes a model for how we want the world to be, a blueprint for happiness, and a home to which we want to return. This, you could say, is the root of all of our unhappiness. Think how much time you spend, and how much mental anguish is endured, because life is not the way you want it. There is too much work, too little meaningful conversation with your partner, a football team you support that can’t buy a win to save its life. Most of life’s unconforming factors that antagonise us are largely out of our control. For instance, a meaningful conversation with another person depends on them coming to the party. It takes two to tango, and you are just one half of the deal. Very little in life is in our direct control, except our own attitude to it. And yet, the need to chase the perfect scenario dominates and causes so much angst by its very absence.
The Firebird represents the unattainable ideal, which in truth, does not really exist. In the book, Cope illustrates the metaphor by describing a beautifully coloured and majestic bird. The hunter is on the lookout for it in the deep, dense, lush forest. He/she is not looking to kill it, only claim it as a possession and trophy. The trouble is that while fruitlessly scanning for the ever-elusive target, the hunter misses a fabulous array of treasures on offer – a palm tree, a rare insect, other real yet still beautiful forest birds. Those of us watching will say, “What are you doing? It’s all there right before you. Stop chasing the unreachable prize!”.
One of my clients is always looking for the Yellow-Crested Firebird. Actually, it’s not just him, as I kind of think we all do to a certain extent. This specific client is fixated on waiting for the meaningful relationship, the love which can bond two humans together like no other spiritual emotion, unfortunately meaning that his current liaison leaves him unfulfilled and restless. For the rest of us, it is not just love too, it is the other concepts of our lives which become imaginary and unattainable, in the form of personal peace for example, a satisfying vocation, the yearning to retire, a fulfilling hobby or holiday. All of these ideas become possessions which we want to own, but cannot yet for whatever reason (and even if we did, then we might tire of them quickly and want the next thing). While we save ourselves to capture the mythical bird, we miss all of the wonderful array of wildlife treasures readily on display.
None of this is to say that we should just roll a joint, so to speak, and just casually give up on life and aiming for what we want. Far from it. The author and I are actually saying…live your life, the one that is here and now, but not the mythical one that you cannot lay your hands on. So much of reality is disguised by the cover we drape over it, hidden by wantings and longings which can hardly ever be satisfied fully. And if the true landscape and map is obscured, how could we possibly know how to navigate it skilfully.
Alex is in a completely different place from the one he was in when I met him, just shy of two years ago. He is calmer and more accepting of life, more pragmatic and realistic, yet also relaxed and content. Recently, he asked me to design my idea of the Yellow-Crested Firebird, one that might represent my view, so that he could get that tattooed on his wrist, forever a reminder to stay grounded in the present, and reap the bountiful harvest in front of him. That’s what I call commitment to self-improvement!
The problem is that apart from looking at a permanent pictorial reminder of how to stop chasing the out-of-reach, how was he to do this in practice, since when we revert to type, we tend to re-run the same old scripts in our brains, and go down the same old streets? Change is no easy task, and this is a big one for us all to cope with. When we are challenged and under the powers of stress and anxiety, we lose our sense of awareness of what is good for us and cling on to our old patterns, because strange as it may seem, they have kind of worked for us in the past. If life isn't the way we want it, the mind can give itself a sense of righteousness by thinking and expressing how everything should be. It causes us pain, but also gives a feeling of escape and of power that we don't have to put up with this present reality forever. But, that in itself is an illusion. We are repeatedly trapping ourselves inside a shell of perpetual misery, and here is how to crack it open.
To stop chasing the Yellow-Crested Firebird, we switch off the longing for the ideal and merely observe what is in front of us.
Try these three steps:-
Stop and look and listen to what is going on in your life right now. Observe. Imagine you are in an empty room and the doors are wide open. Allow everything in that is present for you. It may not even be coherent as thoughts and feelings swirl around like mist, but that doesn't matter. Whatever you're thinking and feeling and see if you can sit with it. You might need to take a few breaths if it makes you anxious to focus on it, but the only way to move forward skilfully towards your goals is to accept what is actually here and now. Receive, don’t judge, however hard that might be to do so. Breathe, allow yourself to sit with where you are, allow in the feelings and thoughts, welcoming them like a guest to your house.
Accept what is here now. You don’t have to like it, in fact you can tell yourself it’s Ok not to like it, and this in itself will start to dismantle all of the power your current problems have over you. This way, you take all the pressure off having to have things to be a certain way – right now – in order for you to be content. It doesn’t mean you give up. It doesn’t mean you don’t aim for your goals. But suddenly, now does not seem so terrible. You can do this most easily be practising an Acceptance meditation (see below), or just catching yourself and saying “can I accept my reality right now, and then move on from it?”
Practise gratitude – trust me this works and changes your life. Form a daily habit by being grateful for whatever you see, hear, feel in that moment. It could be the sound of bird song, the builder who put your roof over your head, the coffee farmer who harvested the beans for your morning drink. People get stuck on this practice, after exhausting obvious objects of gratitude such as their kids, partner, friends etc, but if you open up this neural pathway, the opportunities for gratitude are infinite. It will also steer your mind away from negativity and low mood. In contrast, it will raise it. It needs work, it needs practice, but once embedded as a subconscious habit, it shifts the mind and body towards contentment.
I have attached a link below to a meditation which encompasses all of these pointers that you could try out.
So what? What does all this mean?
The Yellow-Crested Firebird teaches us that if we can let go if its representation of the ideal - if the hunter accepts the offerings available and is grateful for them, they stop looking for the elusive and unreachable. Resistance to life ceases, and tension disspitates. Energy and poise are restored. They stop wasting their time, and go home fulfilled, joyous, and at peace. It’s not about giving up looking for beautiful things, but the less you push, bizarrely enough, the more likely they are to appear.
Click here to try the meditation
I am a writer, a speaker, a trainer, a coach, and a therapist. I help people achieve their goals by letting go of that which holds them back and allows them to steer towards their desired destination. I use a combination of coaching, mindfulness, positive visualisations and solution-focused methods.
Contact me to find out how I can help YOU!
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